Welp. I’m in an uncomfortable state of hate. So much so, that I’m dedicating all energy toward overcoming it. I don’t know when death will come, and I don’t want to die with hate in my heart any more than I want to live with it. I’m performing a hate elimination on myself because hate has seeped in. This will not do. I’m ashamed of the fact that I feel hatred toward those who harm me. I’m not a child. I’ve had time to work out why this won’t do.
I read recently it’s a symptom of PTSD to feel like death is right around the corner at all times. Ever since gaining this insight, I no longer berate myself for living my life as if it’s about to end. It plays nicely with my logic obsession, too. Bonus. Death remains a certainty, after all. As I grieve the many losses brought on by the treason going on in America right now, I struggle to refrain from blaming those who continue to support this audacious crime spree.
I realized today I’m also hating those who accept it, make excuses for it, and lie about it; but most of all, those who pretend it isn’t happening because it doesn’t affect them directly. I hate them. I understand continuing to hate them will literally kill me, probably with some form of cancer. Despite this, it’s what I’m feeling. It’s already making me sick, and Mr. Sandman gathered up all the sheep, then blocked me offline. OFFLINE. 😱
So here I am, talking to myself so I can walk myself through this. Nobody reads this blog, which is surprisingly liberating. I have other shit to do. I have projects I’m passionate about waiting for my attention. I don’t have time for this. Death rides my ass like a rascal with a pony, remember? So I need to get over myself. My gut is a ball of fire that keeps stealing my attention because I’m wasting precious time hating. Sigh.
The path to love is understanding, and it’s what’s missing here. I don’t understand why some people choose to be wicked. I hate them because I don’t understand them. I see and feel the damage and hurt they decide to inflict on others, and it makes me furious. But more so, the ones who wrap themselves in a delusional shield of lies to further their own agenda. Treason is against the law in America. Law applies to all or none.
I don’t think I want to love those who harm deliberately. I just don’t want to waste energy and health hating. At this point, I believe indifference will do. I’ve spent more time thinking about this than I’d prefer. My ongoing celebration after emerging from beneath a rock has fizzled out. Agoraphobia used to be something I considered negatively. My views are evolving. I no longer fear it as a negative possibility. I see it as a (neutral) lifestyle option, now. Yay.
I say yay because it works for me. I don’t go anywhere unless I want to badly enough to fight off the anxiety that will entirely be part of the deal. It takes a lot of energy to fight off anxiety well enough to blend into society. I define blending in as preventing myself from inflicting my anxiety issue on others while going about my business. On days I’m not up for pulling off this feat of strength, I stay home. My life, my rules.
I don’t like witnessing someone having a panic attack, so I figure nobody does. That shit is contagious, yo. It makes you feel desperate to do anything to make it stop, even when it’s not happening to you. While it’s completely involuntary, some things increase or decrease the likelihood. My life has been an ongoing experiment to learn ways to keep from becoming Anxiety’s bitch as much as possible while experiencing as much as I can.
The wicked are having a hard time making up lies to explain why 45’s head is lodged so profoundly up Putin’s ass. It’s not easy to be audaciously vile in plain view of the world without a substantial sociopathic personality disorder to back it up, eh? Silly upstarts, tricks are for the wicked kids. Like the con artists posing as spiritual leaders, raking in all that bling for their televised performances. They’re pretending to accept 45 and Putin’s crimes because it’s a fair compromise to overturn Roe vs. Wade. 😂 🤣
They don’t really care about killing babies, do you? Put that on your jacket, Melanoma. Oofda. I guess I need to express my hate before I destroy it. The wicked kids stole children from parents and put them in cages. Then snarkily announced they don’t give a shit. This is hella provocative behavior of an evil nature. In a country that refuses to take responsibility for its gun problem to the extent it recently made them more accessible for the documented mentally ill. How is this not going to end in tears?
So, yeah. I’m feeling overwhelming hate toward incredibly wicked people. It’s ruining my joy. So I’m going to meditate on what I want and work it out until it goes away. Then I’m going to dive back into what makes me happy without this fire burning in my gut. Peace.