I have a new friend named, Logic. She’s strict but comprehensible. She told me a secret I’ve longed to hear. I’ll get what I want, she promised. All I have to do is wait. At first, I wasn’t satisfied. I want what I want right now. But after a while, I thought it through and decided I accept. I know too well where impatience leads. I recognize my options, and I’ve made my choice.
I’m grateful for this bit of control. Patience it is. Logic also told me I can endure until the promise is fulfilled. I wanted to argue, but facts are facts. I dislike pain. It’s uncomfortable. My gut is on fire most of the time. But it’s just pain. I’m stronger than pain. It takes a lot of effort to refrain from laying down wherever I am. Gravity pursues me. I’m suddenly able to sleep for hours at a time, after decades of insomnia. I’m thankful.
Logic told me it doesn’t matter how I feel. Feelings are inconvenient irrelevancies. They’re merely consequences of flesh. It’s silly to identify and acknowledge them. I’ve decided to let them go. I’m glad I mastered self-discipline. When they arise, I’ll focus on what I want. I’m going to get what I want. Just not when I want. Good enough.
I’m stronger than I’ve ever been and trust myself to endure. I recognize other wants satisfied. Such as insulation from other humans. Isolation is gentle and sweet. It’s the only habitable zone for my broken flesh. I cherish it, for it allows me to be. There is only one human I can be near without holding my breath. He fascinates me. He knows, understands, and loves me. I set him free daily.
If one day he doesn’t return, I hope it’s because he found joy elsewhere. I want to attend the upcoming Fleetwood Mac concert. I was worried I wouldn’t be able to go and celebrate the band among so many others. Logic told me I can go. I don’t have to smile at, look at, or talk to the other fans. All I have to do is show up and find my seat. I even have time to practice driving there before showtime.
I suspect I’ll feel a great deal of joy at the concert, despite my moratorium on feelings. So be it. I’ll bring plenty of tissues.