“Were Jim’s parents first cousins who were also bad at ping pong?”

all we have is nowI recently discovered a new level in my life, and it’s resulted in remembering events I need to work on.  Many are from childhood and merely require a re-examination with adult eyes, and perspective shift.  I’m stunned by how much information I’m able to extract in the process.  It feels like finding the missing piece from an old favorite puzzle I just couldn’t discard.

Suddenly, the image is clear and different than what I predicted as I assembled it.  It demands I take a new snapshot and savor it with my eyes closed for a bit, (as taught by The Friend Zone podcast.)  Each time I go through this process, I feel a little lighter.  Also, it feels like my light sensitivity is gradually self-correcting.  Unexpected bonus.

When I think back to the time immediately following my divorce, I kept my curtains drawn at all times, and my home felt cavelike.  (Damn, I’m literal.)  I’ve been steadily adding more LED lights and increasing their brightness without consciously grokking the change.  My playroom is where I keep my synthesizers, creative workstation, code monkey workstation, and Playstation 1-4. It looks fabulous; like where a unicorn goes to get high and listen to Solange with Chef Jade and XD.

Sadly, it’s located in South Dakota, so it’s not as fabulous as it could be thanks to the horribly cruel laws banning cannabis usage.  Sigh.  Oh, right.  Also, that whole not knowing them IRL thing.  Heh.  But it’s still pretty cool, nonetheless.  It’s my mask free zone.  I don’t know how he did it, but M somehow also hangs out in this room without crowding me.

magical thinkingI just looked up and wondered how long he’d been there one day.  Pretty tricky, sis.  A lot of what I’m reprogramming is funny to me now.  It’s a lot easier to see my moms hand guiding me from being too rigid and extreme.  As a child, it felt like she was impossible to please.  Fortunately, I learned bouncing between extremes is the hard way.  Aim for the middle and work from there, it saves a lot of time.

Of course, I forget sometimes.  Heh.  Reminders don’t hurt anymore.  They usually make me laugh and think, my bad.  Guitar Hero is like a big brother to me now.  He teaches me the same way.  I mean, without the punching.  I originally had five older brothers, but in the Army, I usually had around 80 at a time.  They basically arranged my former marriage.  I’m not even kidding.  He was the third guy they didn’t refuse entry to our barracks, and the only one who got to come back.

I met a super hot soldier at the PX, and the brothers in my barracks physically prevented me from getting in his car.  I was so pissed.  I called my 1st Sgt at home, and he told me I was restricted to the barracks until he arrived in the morning. (!!!)  Okay, I’m still kind of angry about this.  Remember when Lupita N’yongo’s brother photobombed Ellen’s famous Oscar shot?  He looked like that but in a uniform.

Oops, magical thinking.  Back to reality.  It’s irrelevant because of M.  Funny thing:  I found out while listening to The Read that many are hesitant to date an openly bisexual man.  I didn’t get the memo.  When M told me he’s bi, I felt a surge of excitement.  It made me feel more desirable and attracted to him.  I’m glad I didn’t have any prejudice to block my joy.

I realized he loves me for me, not my body.  He’s attracted to the real me.  I stopped feeling like I had to wear a mask around him and gradually stopped.  I would hate to think of what I would have missed had I been hung up on false information.  But then, I can’t because it’s magical thinking, and I don’t do that anymore.  🤭

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