“No, cuz the ice melts and then it’s like, second drink.”

black barbies

Guitar Hero invited me to accompany him on a trip to NYC.  I’m thinking about it, starting with making a list of expectations and erasing the most outrageous, then feeling bummed about the imagined disappointment for about an hour.  (That’s about as long as I can remain focused on being bummed out.)  Just because I’m going to NYC doesn’t mean I’ll get to hang out with Amy Lee, Assante, Chef Jade, or XD (the list is longer, she said, unnecessarily.)  My hour isn’t up yet.

Next, I’m going to look up the word accompany on a few trusted sites, just to make sure it means what I think.  Shup.  🙃  (There’s a lot of inner me’s I need to get on board for this opportunity.)  I’ve learned a lot of social etiquette rules from listening to podcasts and watching Seinfeld, The Office, and Parks and Recreation obsessively.  Observing how people react to specific behaviors is a lot more helpful than memorizing illogical rules.  Especially while belly laughing.

I’ve been to NYC before.  Kind of.  More like, my body visited Manhatten, but I stayed in South Dakota.  I was told to expect a foul odor.  Back then, that was a signal for me to put my avatar on autopilot.  I only remember something reflective, shiny, and in my path.  (It was probably a trash bin at the airport.)  I thought:  Oh, it’s not a robot.  Resume autopilot.  I don’t experience life that way anymore.  I learned how to see my avatar as my body, and my body as a safe place to hang out.  💪🏽

Manhatten NYC viewed from the water

I’m also the best wrong presumer I know.  I should order a trophy or something.  And have Excellent Wrong Presumer:  Always be the best at whatever you do.- Anonymous Douche, engraved on it.  (It would work with my decor.)  /brag  The one person I would like to visit while in NYC is my former basic training drill SGT.  She’s one of my favorite people on this planet, which is impressive, considering where she began on the scale in my head.

At one point in training, she found me bawling in the bathroom.  (Someone beat me up again.)  It was my first experience of living with fifty women from all over America and spending all my time with them.  I couldn’t hold a conversation without my buddy (who was working on improving her English fluency.)  I don’t code-switch, or at least not typically.  Everyone was tired, stressed out, and a little afraid most of the time.  Of course, I got beat up a lot.  My drill SGT figured out I was safest with southern women, (but that most notably did not include Miami.)

Thankfully, South Carolinians and Georgians felt obligated to talk people out of kicking my ass (for virtually everything I said.)  I was assigned a second buddy from Atlanta (whom I’m still hoping becomes a comedian.)  She used her superpower to keep us all laughing through our tears.  On a Sunday her husband came to visit, and she got a day pass, I went home with my drill SGT and played Barbies with her daughter until her visit ended, and it was safe for me to return.  🤭

I also remember the last day of basic training, when I bashed Ms. Miami’s head against the edge of a sink in a highly planned misguided retaliatory action, then hid on the bus until we left for AIT (Advanced Individual Training.) A girl learned some shit, yo.   (And later learned it was the wrong shit, and learned some more.)  So it goes.  I’m off to wrap my head around a visit to NYC.  ✌🏽💜

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